Ashley’s Memory
OK, THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE NEEDED TO GET OFF MY CHEST FOR A LONG TIME NOW. THESE THOUGHTS HAVE BEEN BOUNCING AROUND IN MY HEAD FOR LONG ENOUGH, AND THIS STORY IS ABOUT A WONDERFULLY BITTERSWEET TIME IN MY LIFE. GETTING ALL THIS OUT IS REALLY THE ONLY WAY I HAVE LEFT OF DEALING WITH A GREAT LOSS…..
SEVERAL YEARS AGO I HOOKED UP WITH A WOMAN WHO WAS AND STILL IS A MASTER MANIPULATOR. AT THE TIME I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT HER NUMEROSE PROBLEMS. ONE OF THESE PROBLEMS WAS LEAVING HER BABY DAUGHTER WITH EVERY DRUGGED OUT PERSON IN TOWN. SHE WOULD DISSAPEAR FOR DAYS AT A TIME. THE LAST TIME SHE WENT MISSING I JUST BY DUMB LUCK HAPPENED TO FIND OUT WHO SHE HAD DROPPED THE BABY OFF WITH.
SO I WENT OVER AND SURE ENOUGH THE CHILD WAS IN HER DIAPER, CRAWLING AROUND A FILTHY HOUSE. I SNATCHED HER UP AND TOOK HER HOME WITH ME. A FEW DAYS LATER HER SO CALLED MOTHER SHOWS UP AND SHE IS SPRACKED OUT OF HER MIND. I PROCEED TO TELL HER THAT THERE IS
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE THOUGHT THAT SHE KNEW I WAS SAFE, BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T ARGUE AT ALL. SHE SAID SHE LOVED THE BABY, AND THEN WALKED OUT THE DOOR. I NOW KNOW THAT SHE WANTED HER FREEDOM. I DIDN’T SEE HER FOR ALMOST A YEAR. AND IN THAT TIME SOMETHING INCREDIBLE HAPPENED TO ME.
ASHLEY IS THE BABYS NAME, AND IT WAS ME AND HER. NOW I REALIZE THAT MOST MEN ARE JUST NOT BORN WITH THE SAME INSTINCTS WOMEN ARE FOR KIDS. THIS IS THE ICREDIBLE PART. ALMOST OVERNIGHT I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THE BIG TOUGH MAN STUFF AND FOCUSED ON HER. AND I CANT EXPLAIN HOW EASY IT WAS TO ADJUST MY WHOLE LIFE TO HER. AND IT’S AS THOUGH SHE KNEW I WOULD NEVER HURT HER. SHE BECAME VERY ATTATCHED VERY QUICKLY, AND TO MY SURPRISE, SO DID
SO WITH NO EXPIERIENCE WITH BABIES, I WAS AMAZED THAT IT TOOK NO TIME TO REALIZE WHAT CRY MEANT WHAT. PICK ME UP, CHANGE ME, FEED ME, MOVE FASTER STUPID, ALL WITH THEIR OWN DISTICTIVE PITCH. SOON THE ROUTINE WAS JUST THAT, A ROUTINE. I FOUND OUT VERY QUICKLY THAT DIAPERS WERE DESIGNED FOR SHORT TERM HOLDING, NOT CONTAINMENT, THIS CHILD COULD DESTROY A DIAPER TO THE POINT WHERE IT COULD BARELY BE RECOGNIZED AS SUCH. AND HOW THE HELL CAN A BOTTLE GO MISSING WITHOUT A TRACE FROM WITHIN THE CONFINED SPACE OF A CRIB…THIS I DISCOVERED LATER. SHE DEVELOPED SO QUICKLY. I WOULD LAY WITH HER ON THE FLOOR AND WATCH HER FOR HOURS, AND SHE HAD THIS WAY ABOUT FIGURING OUT COMPLEX PUZZLES WITH TOYS…WELL COMPLEX FOR A BABY. SHE SAW THE WORLD WITH WONDER, EVERY SHINY THING A NEW ADVENTURE.
AT THE AGE OF BABY FOOD, SHE DISCOVERED THAT HER ARMS AND FINGERS WERE WORKING BETTER THAT EVER, AND SHE TOOK FULL ADVANTAGE OF THIS, LIKE A PREDITOR WATCHING, WAITING, PATIENT FOR HER OPPORTUNITY TO STRIKE….EVER CUNNING SHE THREW HER TOY ON THE FLOOR, WHEN I BENT DOWN TO PICK IT UP SHE POUNCED ON THE JAR OF BANANNAS I SET TOO CLOSE TO HER. UP WENT THE JAR…BANANNAS ALL OVER HER, THE TRAY AND ME. VERY PLEASED WITH HERSELF SHE WAS CONTENT TO REPEATEDLY SLAM HER HANDS ONTO THE TRAY…SENDING MORE BANANNAS ONTO ME, WHICH FOR HER WAS THE FUNNIEST THING SHE HAD EVER SEEN. MY FRUSTRATION QUICKLY TURNING TO AMUSEMENT WHEN SHE SAW ME COVERED IN HER DINNER, AND SHE SMILED AT ME, HER OWN FACE AND HAIR COVERED IN SLIME. I LET HER PLAY IN THE MESS SHE WORKED SO HARD TO MAKE WHILE I RAN HER
THAT FIRST NIGHT I WONDERED HOW BABY BANANNAS COULD HAVE GOTTEN IN EVERY CRACK AND CREVICE OF THIS CHILD, SHE WAS FULLY DRESSED. I GUESS IT’S LIKE THE MORNING MISSING BABY SOCK. THE MISSING BOTTLE THING WAS BROUGHT TO LIGHT ONE MORNING WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE OLDER AND SHE FOUND OUT THAT GIVEN THE PROPER ALTITUDE, STRENTH, AND ACCURACY, SHE COULD BOUNCE HER BOTTLE OFF MY SKULL TO WAKE ME UP. I KNEW THEN THAT WEEKS AND MONTHS BEFORE SHE COULD GET THE BOTTLE OUT OF HER CRIB, BUT DIDN’T HAVE THE UMPH TO CAUSE ME A CONCUSSION, AND WOULD ROLL UNDER WHATEVER IT COULD TO AGGRAVATE ME. WHEN I GOT SMART TO HER DASTARDLY PLAN, AND STARTED SLEEPING WITH THE BLANKET OVER MY HEAD, SHE WENT TO HER BACKUP PLAN OF SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER. THIS SHE KNEW WOULD BLAST ME OUT OF BED WITH NO EQUILIBRIUM AND OFTEN TIMES SEND ME CRASHING TO THE FLOOR, OR AT LEAST SLAMMING THE SAME BIG TOE INTO THE DRESSER. IN EATHER SENERIO SHE ACCOMPLISHED HER
SO I STAND THERE OFF BALANCE, BLINKING NOT ONLY TO TRY TO GET MY EYES TO FOCUS, BUT ALSO CONTEMPLATING THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS CHILD WAS BORN FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF TORTURING ME. SOMETIMES I STOOD THERE TOO LONG FOR HER TASTE, AND SHE WOULD START YELLING AT ME. YELLING IN BABY LANGUAGE OF COURSE, BUT LETTING ME KNOW THAT HER BUTT AND HER BELLY WERE MY TOP PRIORITY, WAKE UP ON YOUR OWN TIME STUPID. AND THE ROUTINE WOULD BEGIN AGAIN. I WAS HAPPIER THAN I HAD EVER BEEN.
NOW YOU KNOW FULL WELL I MADE MY MISTAKES, THE SAME AS EVERYONE. WE WONT DISSCUS THE BON-BON INCIDENT. IAM JUST GLAD THAT I HAD THE ASSISTANCE OF ONE OF THE GREATEST PARENTS TO EVER FATHER A CHILD…WELL TEN CHILDREN ACTUALLY. ANYWAY, HE IS MY BOSS (I LIVE ONSITE AS A MANAGER) ONE MORNING AS USUAL ASHLEY STARTED SCREAMING, BUT THIS TIME IT WAS A PAIN SCREAM. I GOT UP AND THE POOR GIRL COULDN’T OPEN HER EYES. I PICK HER UP AND AT CLOSE INSPECTION SHE HAD A CRUST OF SOMEKIND WOVEN INTO BOTH EYELIDS, KEEPING THEM CLOSED, WELL I FREAKED AND RAN HER OUT TO THE OFFICE. I WAS PANICKED, BUT MY BOSS JUST CALMLY REACHED UP TO EACH EYE AND PULLED THE CRUST OFF OF HER. SHE OPENED HER EYES AND SHE WAS FINE. TO THIS DAY HE STILL LAUGHS AT ME WHEN THE SUBJECT IS BROUGHT UP….LIVE AND LEARN I GUESS.
THERE IS I FOUND OUT A WONDERFULL INVENTION CALLED WIC. AFTER EXPLAINING OUR SITUATION TO THEM, THEY GAVE ME THE VOUCHERS FOR FORMULA, THANK GOD BECAUSE YOU NEED TO MORTGAGE YOUR HOUSE TO BUY THE STUFF. AND ASHLEY BECAME LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND COULD ONLY HAVE A CERTAIN TYPE.
INTO ASHLEYS LATE CRAWLING STAGE, IS WHERE SOMETHING UNEXPLAINABLE HAPPENED. I HAD TO THIS POINT WHITNESED SOME WONDERFULL THINGS WITH HER, NUMBER TWO BIENG TOTALLY UNPREPARED FOR THE POWER SHE HAD OVER ME. NUMBER ONE IS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. FOR ABOUT A WEEK SHE HAD BEEN HOLDING HERSELF UP WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF FURNITURE. AND SHE WOULD GRAB MY FINGERS AND I WOULD WALK WITH HER BACK AND FOURTH ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM.
I HAD GIVEN HER A SMALL PIECE OF A NUTTER BUTTER COOKIE I HAD AND SET HER DOWN IN THE HALLWAY BETWEEN THE KITCHEN AND LIVING ROOM WHERE I COULD SEE HER. I TOOK THE BOX OF COOKIES AND SET IT ON THE COFFIE TABLE WHEN THE PHONE RANG. I GOT OFF THE PHONE AS SHE WAS FINISHING OFF THE LAST SOGGY REMNENTS OF HER COOKIE. NOW IT’S A LONG WAY ACROSS MY LIVING ROOM AND SHE WANTED ANOTHER COOKIE.
I TOLD HER NO. NO TO THIS CHILD WAS LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE. SHE CRAWLED OVER TO MY
SHE WAS MAD. SHE LET GO OF THE
EVERYTHING WRONG WITH MY LIFE IN THAT INSTANT FADDED AWAY. I GRABBED HER UP AND HUGGED HER, SHE WAS FINE WITH THIS AS LONG AS I DIDN’T TAKE HER HARD EARNED COOKIE FROM HER, WHICH I DIDN’T. IF MANKIND COULD BOTTLE AND SELL THE JOY FROM THAT MOMENT IN TIME, THIS WOULD BE A MUCH DIFFERENT WORLD. EVEN NOW I HAVE GOOSEBUMPS JUST WRITING THIS. AM I A FREAK FOR CONSIDERING THIS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN MY LIFE, A STRONG TOUGH MAN BROUGHT TO HIS KNEES FROM THE POWER OF A CHILD, IF SO….SO BE IT.
I WAS ALSO FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE PRESENT FOR HER FIRST WORD, YEP YOU GUESSED IT…..COOKIE…..I WAS HOPING FOR DADDY, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO. IT WAS ME AND HER FOR A LONG TIME, THEN HER MOTHER CAME BACK, SHE WAS CLEAN, AND DEMANDING ASHLEY BACK. I HAD NO CHOICE..SHE TOOK HER AND SOME TIME LATER HER CASEWORKER INFORMED ME THAT SHE WAS USING DRUGS AGAIN AND SHE ONLY WANTED ASHLEY FOR THE FINANCIAL SHE RECEIVED.
BY THAT TIME THE WORKER HAD BEEN TAKEN OFF THE CASE AND I WAS SCREWED. ASHLEY WAS IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE FROM THAT POINT UNTIL SHE WAS FIVE. I GOT HER BACK FOR A SHORT TIME AFTER THE COPS WALKED INTO HER HOLE DONERS HOUSE AND FOUND HER WITH A NEEDLE IN HER ARM. I WAS ON MY WAY TO SEE IF I COULD GET COSTODY WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT HER BIOLOGICAL SPERM DONER HAD FILLED FOR CUSTODY TO GET OUT OF CHILD SUPPORT.
I TOLD HIM I WOULD NOT PURSUE CHILD SUPPORT IF HE WOULD BACK OFF AND LET ME RAISE ASHLEY. HE REFUSED. SO HE IS IN ONE EAR, SAYING THANKS FOR THE HARD WORK, NOW I WILL ENJOY THE REST, AND THE GUARDIAN IS IN THE OTHER EAR TELLING ME IT WILL BE A SLOW TRANSITION…..BULLSHIT..THIRTY DAYS LATER HE WON IN COURT AND I HAVE NOT SEEN HER SCINCE.
ONE OF THE THINGS I KNOW FOR A FACT IS THAT I DIDN’T STAND A CHANCE NOT ONLY BECAUSE IAM NOT BIOLOGICAL, BUT BECAUSE OF ALL THE WASTE OF FLESH SINGLE MEN WALKING AROUND. THEY WANT TO PARTY, BUT SAY THE WORD RESPONSIBILITY, AND THEY ARE GONE. IAM BIENG STEREOTYPED WITH THE REST OF THESE BASTARDS. WHEN YOU STAND UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANOTHER HUMAN LIFE, IT CHANGES YOU.
I HAD MY PROBLEMS WITH DRUGS AND BOOSE, TO SAY I DIDN’T WOULD BE A LIE. BUT ASHLEY CHANGED MY LIFE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE. I STOPPED ALL THE STUPID CRAP, AND FOCUSED ON HER. SHE SAVED MY LIFE. MY FRIENDS SAY THAT SHE WILL REMEMBER ALL THIS AND FIND ME ONE DAY, I HOPE SO. I WONDER EVERY DAY HOW MANY PARENTLESS CHILDREN CAN BE SAVED FROM BECOMING THE NEXT GENERATION OF CRIMINALS. IN THESE CASES BEING BIOLOGICAL SHOULD NOT MATTER. YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK DOWN TO KIDS, JUST TALK TO THEM. IF A LOVING, SAFE, NURTURING ENVIRONMENT EVER BECOMES MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE LETTER OF THE LAW, I HOPE SOMEONE WILL LET ME KNOW.
THE ONE THING NOW THAT MAKES ME GET UP EVERYDAY IS MY GODKIDS(THAT’S A DIFFERENT STORY) AND OF COURSE……ASHLEYS MEMORY. FIRST STEPS, FIRST WORDS, NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY. THIS IS A CONSOLIDATED VERSION OF THE WHOLE STORY, I WILL WRITE IT ALL DOWN SOMEDAY, BUT THE INCIDENTS I DECRIBE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT, AND I FEEL BETTER FOR HAVING FINALLY SAID THEM… THANKS FOR
STEVE FACKERELL
DADS: HUG YOUR KIDS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET!!!!
